Today I accidentally opened an email. The email was a cry for hope from a someone in one of my groups. I just wanted to close the email and go about my daily business but I felt compelled, my compassion got to me and I had to respond. I had to reach out to her and let her know that she would be okay. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Considering the fact that this blog gets about 200 views per day, I figure there are a lot of people out there that need to hear words of encouragement, words of hope, and words of healing. This is my success story and I wrote it just for you, Susan in California, and for you too:
Feelings of hopelessness seemed to come and go for me. Now I am 100% confident in my full recovery. Not just hopeful. I don't even feel like I need hope anymore. However there were times where I was suicidal. Literally to the point where I told my husband to hide the pain meds from me. In the midst of my fathers battle with cancer I had to burden my overwhelmed mother with the fact that I was suicidal. But it wasn't all the time, it was during particular times of the month when I would have a flare of symptoms. April and August of last year were the 2 hardest for me mentally & emotionally. Those 2 "A" months. Little did I know that in just 3 months my whole world would change and I would be doing so well. My point is this: just when you think it can't get any worse, sometimes it gets worse! But then it gets better. It always gets better and you come out of it. You have an upswing where you start to feel better physically or you just aren't suffering anymore and with that comes the mental lift. The doom and gloom seems to magically disappear and you begin to see the glimmer of the light shining at the end of your tunnel.
I know I'm not back to where I want to be but I'd say that most days, I'm 85% "there" and making progress. This month has been my best month yet with the return of exercise. I went to the beach on a nice warm day, I got started on my vision board, I got my bike fixed up for the next time I feel completely "un-sick", I signed up for yoga one day a week at a local studio, I found a local doctor to monitor me, run some tests,and help with the damage Lyme caused to my body (hopefully) so I can get stronger and stronger, I'm cooking dinner almost regularly, but most importantly, I'm able to go out to dinner, go visit my parents and ailing grandfather, make some plans and keep them, walk my Doberman on my own, drive alone..... You get the picture. I'm making the most out of my life. My short term goal is to gain back some muscle and be able to exercise regularly as part of my recovery. The ultimate goal would be able to go back to work full time. That would be amazing.
I still have bad days, not too long ago, maybe a month and a half ago, I spent about 10 days in bed or the on couch. It was discouraging, somewhat depressing, and a little scary. I went into fear mode and had to pull myself out of it. My practitioner, Dr V, is good at helping me do that. But the bad days aren't nearly as bad as they were.
Everyone can get better. Seems it just takes some time and a lot of trial and error. I should have trusted my instincts to got off the antibiotics much, much sooner. Having my PiCC line removed was the best decision I have ever made. I should have ripped it out a year sooner. But I was fearful. I read all the websites and blogs. They told me that I had to be really sick for a long time. That Lyme disease was a long rocky scary, painful road. It was for me. If you look back on this blog it goes back to the very beginning in 2009. There are some pretty low posts and some scary posts at that. In regards to stopping antibiotics, this last time, I trusted my body and just demanded it be over with. I'm glad I did.
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Not even close to being finished, but it is a start!
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