Saturday, February 12, 2011

Feeling sorry for myself

Here I am, sitting up late by myself.  My family has gone to bed.  I'm putting off doing my IV.  Last one for the week.  YAY.  I am just down in the dumps & crying.  I was just thinking I wish I had someone to talk to.  It's odd though, I never, EVER talk to anyone when I feel this way.  I never cry when anyone is looking, unless sometimes my husband catches me.  A lot of time he doesn't notice.  I'll put my glasses on so he can't see.  I'll say I have a stuffy nose.  I was thinking, what friend could I call?  It's late and I NEVER call anyone.  I never do.  I did have one friend come to mind.  Someone I've never actually met in person.  But she knows what I am going through because she is going through the same thing.  It's just late and she has a family..... and her own sleeping problems.  Otherwise I would call.

When is this going to end?  It's been 18 months of not living.  NOT LIVING.  I get peeks at life.  Previews..... for a day or two.  Sometimes a week.  But then BAM!  Here I am again.  And I am too sick to get up & bathe & brush my teeth.  My hair is gross and I stink.  Ya, I said it.  It's true.  I've been in the same clothes for 3 days. And for 3 days before that I was in the same clothes.  With stains on my shirt.  Because while I was making meatballs with marinara, my bird was hanging out on my shoulder.  He thought it would be cool to grab the wooden spoon out of the pot & slap the sauce on my boob.  Ya, it stayed there.

A felt good a few days ago & decided I would start exercising again.  My neighbor drove by & said, "Wow, good to actually see you with clothes on!"  Meaning not in PJ's.

I miss my connections.  I just moved here & how will I ever make friends if I don't have a flippin' life outside of my house!?!

Good news is my parents are coming by tomorrow.  I hope I feel better, otherwise having people around can literally hurt (noise, etc).  And on Sunday my old neighbor is coming over for a visit.  YAY!

Ok, I'll try to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I hate it when I do this.  I hate it when I cry.  I feel like such a loser.  I want to go wake up my husband and ask him for a big hug.  My Big Boy (Rover) came over and showed me love.  He heard me sniffle.
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