Monday, December 28, 2009

If I die before I wake. . . . .

Last night I got one of my awesome (totally, 100% sarcastic) Bicillin shots.  This one hurt like hell (they all used to in the beginning).  The one before (Thursday) not nearly as bad, even though I had to have Adams daughter come hold my hand.  But last nights was just painful.  The needle going in hasn't been bad at all (it used to feel like a fire-hot butter knife going into my butt muscle).  But once the thick paste-like goo started going in the pain began.  Sometimes it is local pain but not this time.  It was the entire butt cheek.  Then the spasms started.  My muscle started spasming.  Hubby could even see it flexing while he was doing the shot.  This has never happened before.  Pain, sure, often, but never the entire butt muscle saying "uncle".  About 2/3 of the way through the 10 minute procedure, I wanted to stop.  And I didn't know if I could ever go through this again.  But I have to.  Once I got my shot, I was all freaked out because the pain moved down my leg.  There is always concern that you accidentally hit a vein or something & it did bleed a lot once the needle was out.  But with the way  my heart was pumping, I would've already been dead had it gone into the vein.  I didn't take an ativan before hand because we didn't have time.  It was already getting late & I thought I could do this without one.  NEVER AGAIN.  I called Mango, my doberman, up onto the bed to cuddle.  She soothes me.  Sometimes Martini, the chihuahua, will jump up and cuddle under my chin when I am in pain.  This time he ran into his cozy & hid.  After every shot, we get up & go for a walk around the block.  It helps to work the muscle, & get the thick substance absorbed.  Adam took the two big dogs (Rover & Mano) on the coupler because I now had a severe limp.  Martini hates his leash so he often refuses to join us.  On this walk, every inch of me started to hurt, from my hips down.  There was a time or two on this walk where weird things happened to me.  I didn't mention them at the time to Adam because I hate to seem like a hypocondriac.  My vision was jumping up & down and I got that "I don't feel right" feeling.   I can't explain it.  When I try to explain it to hubby, I say it's like I am going to have a seizure or stroke or something.  I almost feel "out of body" .. . .  I don't know, I can't explain it.  But it scares me.  It kept happening last night & I even had a weird chest pain I hadn't had before.  I try not to let these things freak me out, butwhen people die of Lyme Disease, it's not like when people die from cancer.  Often times (from stories I've read), there isn't "plenty of notice", or a doctor giving you a time frame (although in some cases where the heart is obviously failing, there is).  Something crazy just happens & that is it.  So this night, last night.  I wasn't sure if I was going to wake up in the morning.  Which is fine by me.  I just don't want to be afraid or feel pain, or suffer.  If I go, I hope it's in my sleep.  So I took my benedryl and I said that prayer that you learn somehow as a little kid, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep, if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take".  The benedryl kicked in & off I went. . .  I obviously woke up.  Still in pain from the hips down.  A dull, achey pain.

On a much happier note.. . .

Hubby came in with the mail this morning & said, "You got mail."  Yay!  I love getting mail.  I already got my Netflix DVD's!  I got Sicko by Michael Moore, 500 Days of Summer with that cute girl Zooey Deschanel (she reminds me of my friend Barb), & My Sister's Keeper (at my step daughters request).  Now I have something to take my mind off things.  I am so grateful for this gift from my in-laws!!  I don't know what I/we would do without them.  They are such good people.  And it's not just about the Netflix & the BluRay DVD player.  I got lucky in the in-law department.  So did hubby.  He loves my parents too.
My Sister's KeeperSicko (Special Edition)(500) Days of Summer
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